Healthy/Unhealthy Relationships
Here is some helpful information:
1. Reality vs. Fantasy. Healthy relationships are based in reality. Each person is aware of his own strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to hide or to try to fool the other. Each person is also aware of the other’s strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to pretend that problems don’t exist or to tiptoe around “unmentionable” areas. If the partner is weak in some area, he or she accepts it and helps accommodate or strengthen it.
Unhealthy relationships, by contrast, are based on fantasy. What could be or should be replaces what is. The elements of unreality become the focus. The relationship is built on a foundation that isn’t really there.
2. Completing vs. Finding Completion. In a healthy relationship, each person finds joy in sharing in the other person’s growth, in playing a role in “completing” the other.
In an unhealthy relationship the focus is on completing oneself. This selfish dynamic is at the heart of codependency. Too many people fling half a person into a relationship, expecting that it will be completed by the other. It never works. No one can ever meet such expectations. It is only a matter of time until substitutes are sought – either in the form of other relationships or in the form of dysfunctional and addictive behaviors.
3. Friendship vs. Victimization. A healthy relationship can be described as two good friends becoming better friends. The strongest and most successful relationships – even the most passionate and romantic marriages – have this kind of true friendship at the base. Where this base of true friendship is absent, the relationship is shallow and susceptible to being marked by victimization.
4. Sacrifice vs. Demand for Sacrifice. Few of the magazines that clutter the checkout counters of grocery stores publish articles extolling the joys of sacrifice. But no relationship can grow without it. Unfortunately, most of us are more accustomed to demanding sacrifice from our partner than to sacrificing ourselves.
It’s one thing to love another when the going is easy. But character and depth are wrought in a relationship when love requires the surrender of preference and privilege. Nothing strengthens a relationship like sacrifice. Indeed, it often seems that the greater the sacrifice, the more thorough the death to self, the greater the potential for the relationship.
Our relationship with God requires sacrifice. His relationship with us required nothing less than the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ. Building a relationship – or restoring one that has been ravaged by the effects of addiction – depends on the willingness of both parties to sacrifice for each other, without demanding anything in return.
5. Forgiveness vs. Resentment. Forgiveness is a miraculous gift between two people. A relationship flourishes when we are willing to forgive past hurts and disappointments. Refusing to forgive is like carrying around a garbage bag full of hurts of the past. Every time someone makes a mistake, we toss it into the bag and carry it with us forever.
There are no garbage bags in healthy relationships. Out of love, the partners take the hurt and disappointment of the past and burn it up in the flames of forgiveness. What greater gift can we give someone than to set them free from the weight of their mistakes? When we unlock others from a past they cannot correct, we free them to become all they can become, and we free our relationships to become all they can becomes as well.
6. Security vs. Fear. Security is a rare commodity in our world. Often people come from such insecure childhoods they can only hope that their adult life will include a relationship that allows them to rest in the arms of someone who really cares. So much of life is lived on the edge of risk, we feel an overwhelming need for at least one relationship to make us feel safe.
Relationship Warning Signs Quiz:
If you answer yes to any of the questions below, you could be in an abusive relationship, or your relationship could become abusive.
( ) Do you feel nervous around them?
( ) Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger?
( ) Do you feel pressured by them when it comes to sex?
( ) Are you scared of disagreeing with them?
( ) Do they criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
( ) Are they always checking up or questioning you about what you do without them?
( ) Do they repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
( ) Do they tell you that if you changed they wouldn’t abuse you?
( ) Does their jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
( ) Do they make you feel like you are wrong, crazy, inadequate or stupid?
( ) Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
( ) Do you often do things to please them, rather than yourself?
( ) Do they prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
( ) Do you feel that with them, nothing you do is ever good enough?
( ) Do they say that they will kill or hurt themselves if you broke up with them?
( ) Do they make excuses for their behavior, for example, by saying it’s because of alcohol or drugs or because they can’t control their temper, or that they were “just joking”?
You might have answered ‘yes’ to some of these questions, but still think ‘it’s not that bad.” But feeling scared, humiliated, pressured or controlled is not the way you should feel in a relationship. You should feel loved, respected and be free to be yourself. Your feelings and safety are important.
If you are in an abusive relationship it is likely to get worse in time. But you can’t make your boyfriend or girlfriend change their behavior. They are the one who has to change their attitude and accept responsibility for abusing you, and not make excuses for their behavior. If this does not happen and you want the violence to stop, then unfortunately leaving them might be your only choice.
It is not your fault you are being abused. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Statistics:
80% of teens regard verbal abuse as a serious issue for their age group.
Teen dating abuse most often takes place in the home of one of the partners.
Almost 70% of young women who have been raped knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend, or casual acquaintance.
About one in 11 teens reports being a victim of physical dating abuse each year.
1 in 5 female students reported being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. 1
Both male and female teens are victims of teen dating violence.
1. Reality vs. Fantasy. Healthy relationships are based in reality. Each person is aware of his own strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to hide or to try to fool the other. Each person is also aware of the other’s strengths and weaknesses. There is no need to pretend that problems don’t exist or to tiptoe around “unmentionable” areas. If the partner is weak in some area, he or she accepts it and helps accommodate or strengthen it.
Unhealthy relationships, by contrast, are based on fantasy. What could be or should be replaces what is. The elements of unreality become the focus. The relationship is built on a foundation that isn’t really there.
2. Completing vs. Finding Completion. In a healthy relationship, each person finds joy in sharing in the other person’s growth, in playing a role in “completing” the other.
In an unhealthy relationship the focus is on completing oneself. This selfish dynamic is at the heart of codependency. Too many people fling half a person into a relationship, expecting that it will be completed by the other. It never works. No one can ever meet such expectations. It is only a matter of time until substitutes are sought – either in the form of other relationships or in the form of dysfunctional and addictive behaviors.
3. Friendship vs. Victimization. A healthy relationship can be described as two good friends becoming better friends. The strongest and most successful relationships – even the most passionate and romantic marriages – have this kind of true friendship at the base. Where this base of true friendship is absent, the relationship is shallow and susceptible to being marked by victimization.
4. Sacrifice vs. Demand for Sacrifice. Few of the magazines that clutter the checkout counters of grocery stores publish articles extolling the joys of sacrifice. But no relationship can grow without it. Unfortunately, most of us are more accustomed to demanding sacrifice from our partner than to sacrificing ourselves.
It’s one thing to love another when the going is easy. But character and depth are wrought in a relationship when love requires the surrender of preference and privilege. Nothing strengthens a relationship like sacrifice. Indeed, it often seems that the greater the sacrifice, the more thorough the death to self, the greater the potential for the relationship.
Our relationship with God requires sacrifice. His relationship with us required nothing less than the sacrifice of his Son, Jesus Christ. Building a relationship – or restoring one that has been ravaged by the effects of addiction – depends on the willingness of both parties to sacrifice for each other, without demanding anything in return.
5. Forgiveness vs. Resentment. Forgiveness is a miraculous gift between two people. A relationship flourishes when we are willing to forgive past hurts and disappointments. Refusing to forgive is like carrying around a garbage bag full of hurts of the past. Every time someone makes a mistake, we toss it into the bag and carry it with us forever.
There are no garbage bags in healthy relationships. Out of love, the partners take the hurt and disappointment of the past and burn it up in the flames of forgiveness. What greater gift can we give someone than to set them free from the weight of their mistakes? When we unlock others from a past they cannot correct, we free them to become all they can become, and we free our relationships to become all they can becomes as well.
6. Security vs. Fear. Security is a rare commodity in our world. Often people come from such insecure childhoods they can only hope that their adult life will include a relationship that allows them to rest in the arms of someone who really cares. So much of life is lived on the edge of risk, we feel an overwhelming need for at least one relationship to make us feel safe.
Relationship Warning Signs Quiz:
If you answer yes to any of the questions below, you could be in an abusive relationship, or your relationship could become abusive.
( ) Do you feel nervous around them?
( ) Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid their anger?
( ) Do you feel pressured by them when it comes to sex?
( ) Are you scared of disagreeing with them?
( ) Do they criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
( ) Are they always checking up or questioning you about what you do without them?
( ) Do they repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other people?
( ) Do they tell you that if you changed they wouldn’t abuse you?
( ) Does their jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
( ) Do they make you feel like you are wrong, crazy, inadequate or stupid?
( ) Have they ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
( ) Do you often do things to please them, rather than yourself?
( ) Do they prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
( ) Do you feel that with them, nothing you do is ever good enough?
( ) Do they say that they will kill or hurt themselves if you broke up with them?
( ) Do they make excuses for their behavior, for example, by saying it’s because of alcohol or drugs or because they can’t control their temper, or that they were “just joking”?
You might have answered ‘yes’ to some of these questions, but still think ‘it’s not that bad.” But feeling scared, humiliated, pressured or controlled is not the way you should feel in a relationship. You should feel loved, respected and be free to be yourself. Your feelings and safety are important.
If you are in an abusive relationship it is likely to get worse in time. But you can’t make your boyfriend or girlfriend change their behavior. They are the one who has to change their attitude and accept responsibility for abusing you, and not make excuses for their behavior. If this does not happen and you want the violence to stop, then unfortunately leaving them might be your only choice.
It is not your fault you are being abused. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Statistics:
80% of teens regard verbal abuse as a serious issue for their age group.
Teen dating abuse most often takes place in the home of one of the partners.
Almost 70% of young women who have been raped knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend, or casual acquaintance.
About one in 11 teens reports being a victim of physical dating abuse each year.
1 in 5 female students reported being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. 1
Both male and female teens are victims of teen dating violence.
